The Fine Art of Failure

"I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles overcome while trying to succeed." 

- Booker T. Washington

A friend recently mentioned an incident with a young intern who was told that their part of the project was not up to the level the team needed to make the proposal succeed. The intern felt picked on, got defensive angry, and resorted to name-calling. My friend took them aside and tried to reason that it was not personal and, in fact, there were positive aspects in what they had turned in, but that they needed to try a little harder. He suggested shadowing others in the group with more experience might help them improve how to put the proposal together. This young person apparently had never faced honest criticism and became extremely upset. The intern, who held a lot of promise, decided to quit that day rather than face that they had not wildly succeeded beyond all expectations the first time at bat.   

We both were willing to excuse it as some youthful overconfidence when I stumbled across a Psychology Today article called "Declining Student Resilience: A Serious Problem for Colleges" by Dr. Peter Gray. It spoke to the fact many students are starting college without basic life skills to help them handle adversity or even failure. It's a result of controlling parents pushing their kids too hard to be successful or refusing to see their child's foibles and blaming everyone in sight for their own parenting misdeeds.  

These well-meaning parents have been orbiting their children for years to prevent adversity, including dealing with disappointments or even simple life challenges, to darken their child's door. One university reported that emergency calls for counseling had doubled over even the simplest disagreements, such as a student being called a bitch by her roommate or dealing with finances for the first time. Two other students needed counseling after they called the police when they spotted a mouse in their off-campus apartment. The officer was kind enough to set a mouse trap for the errant rodent.  

I've worked with many young adults, and most of the time, I've found them to be hard-working, conscientious, and have high emotional intelligence. However, one in four have difficulty taking direction, listening to differing opinions, and completing their projects within the specifications. When you offer feedback that is not glowing, they become defensive and extremely hard to work with. You wonder how they can fall apart over a comment like, "Hey, on the next set of reports, could you make the copies a little darker?"  

Our society is now reaping the effects to ensure our children have every advantage for some; it's not the path to success those parents had expected. 

In their quest to create successful children, these well-meaning parents have over-scheduled to the point their children have little downtime to examine who they are because each block of time is devoted to baseball, football, soccer, ballet, piano, etc. They are expected to exceed, and when they don't, it's not because they might lack the drive or talent but because the coach, the teacher, or the director needs to give them a fair shake. Worse, some parents do their children's homework to keep their grades up while rushing from one activity to another. The reality is that the facade will crack. The test grades will prove that the brilliant insights these kids have at home, for some reason, do not transfer to the classroom.  

These kids grow up to feel unworthy at the dawn of any adversity, and the rate of depression among young adults is at an all-time high. A  2012 Healthline article written by Michael Kerr found that:

• 1 out of every 4 college students suffers from some form of mental illness, including depression
• 44% of American college students report having symptoms of depression
• 75% of college students do not seek help for mental health problems

These statistics keep some college professors from giving bad grades for fear of causing emotional distress that can lead to severe psychosis. As a result, colleges lower their standards because of fear of lawsuits resulting from nervous breakdowns or suicides. Of course, this is not news to teachers who have been seeing this trend for years, and now those overly protected children are off to college, no more able to handle things than when they were in the sixth grade.   

This is why we must sit our kids down and tell them failure's okay. Heck, a good manager will tell their staff to try something new even if it doesn't always work out - hell, it might take many times at bat to even make contact with the ball. It's okay - that's life, and not everything you try will go perfectly the first time, the sixth time, or the hundredth time. It might even be good to abandon the whole concept of per; it just doesn't exist.

Sorry, you A-type personalities, you can try for excellence and go beyond the project's parameters, but it will never be perfect, so let yourself and your kids off the hook. Studies have shown that many successful CEOs and American Presidents were C students who could see the big picture rather than fixating on tiny details, which slowed them down. Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates were C students, as were John F. Kennedy, Lyndon B. Johnson, and George Bush Sr. and Jr.  

One of my colleagues told me recently that her son was asked to do a paper on a historical figure, and one of the paragraphs had to be a time that person faced adversity or failure. It is an important lesson for kids to absorb that greatness is not achieved overnight; it can be lifelong. Here's a short list of great people who failed many times before they finally got it right:

• Thomas Edison tried 1,000 light prototypes and finally successfully created the light bulb. 
• Albert Einstein was expelled from school and refused admittance to Zurich Polytechnic School. 
• Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as a TV reporter because she was "unfit for TV."
• Dr. Seuss's first book, To Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street, was rejected 27 times. 
• Steven Spielberg was rejected by the University of Southern California Film School three times. 
• After one show at the Grand Old, Elvis Presley was fired and told to return to driving a truck. 
• Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, but it didn't stop him
  
  from pursuing what he loved doing. "I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions, I have been entrusted to take the game-winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

Success takes risk, and risk comes with failure. I've had so many projects never come together like I thought they would. But I learned so much more from the things that fail than I do from the things that are a success, and that trial and error makes the things that succeed that much sweeter. Failure helps me figure out what my clients want by eliminating the parts that have failed in the past. It helps me figure out what will work in the future and gives me the strength to take those chances. That's the lesson we need to teach our young people, and when faced with adversity - they'll embrace it as just one more brick on their own road to success.